Bad, bad books

It’s exceedingly rare that I come across a truly awful book. I try to read widely and don’t shy away from picking up new authors and genres, and most of the time I’m pleasantly surprised. Even a mediocre book generally has something going for it: a good character, fast-paced action, shamelessly enjoyable  schlock. But then, once in a while, I come across utter drivel that has not one redeeming quality. Meet Jailbait Zombie by Mario Acevedo.

I picked this book up because it was very cheap and promised to be a silly, fun book with lots of action, drama and romance. It was none of these things. I’m still not quite sure why I wasted valuable reading hours trudging through the sheer awfulness of Acevedo’s prose; I guess I was hoping for a glimmer of that promised quality. It was not found, and I would petition strongly against anybody wasting their time on it.

It did make me think about what makes a book truly bad. I’m not talking average-bad here, but so bad that it’s painful and embarrassing to keep reading. I’ve narrowed it down to three factors.

First, bad language. This covers everything from the range of vocabulary used, to the types of language tricks employed (cliches and their ilk) and even bad editing. Acevedo writes like he’s taken one writing class in his life and has tried to employ the most basic techniques. His action scenes consist of far too many five-word sentences. His descriptions are sparse. He uses cliches – both in statement and plot element form – gratuitously, and he has jarringly repetitive vocabulary. On top of that, the book is riddled with proofing errors and spelling mistakes, which is inexcusable in a “bestselling” novel. If the words on the page simply don’t flow properly, or actually make you cringe, it’s bad writing.

Second, ridiculous characters. It’s one thing to have weird, outlandish, strange characters. It’s another to have completely cheesy, inconsistent and boring ones. You’d think you couldn’t go wrong with an noir-style, fast-taking vampire PI, but Acevedo manages it. I’ve never cared less about a character, who shifts randomly between emo depression and apathetic cool and never quite manages to hold on to the supposed utter terror or swelling bloodlust that he’s occasionally mentioned as having. the other characters can be summed up as cliches and are barely worth mentioning (dodgy crime boss, mad evil scientist, brainless lackey).

Third, awful plot and pacing. You know you’ve failed at pacing your story when the reader isn’t aware that they’ve reached the big climactic showdown. But the real travesty is the plot. I’m going to spoil it here, because you should really never read this book. Evil mad scientist turns people into zombies as an experiment for creating eternal life. Vampire PI sent to investigate, and teams up with terminally ill nubile young girl whose only chance to survive is (yes) to be turned into a vampire. Oh, and she happens to be psychic, with the ability to disable anyone with a mind blast, and has a dodgy relationship with male relatives (sexual abuse is sexy, apparently). Mad scientist captures her to create a zombie sex slave and goes “mwahaha!” a lot. Vampire dude rescues her by blowing shit up! With dynamite! And gasoline! Girl becomes mortally wounded and (you guessed it) he’s forced to turn her into a vamp. She runs away, but returns on the very last page, destroys his house, attacks his mind with her uber-powers, swears revenge on him, and then leaves. Just, well, because. I don’t think any further commentary is necessary.

A mediocre book gets one of these wrong. A bad book two. But a truly awful piece of paper-wasting drivel like Jailbait Zombie misses on every mark. The masochist in me kept reading, hoping for a spark of humour or cleverness. Not found. Avoid at all costs.